Silent Reprieve

A fight with oneself...

with your own darkness,

and your own potential.

Maybe it's the concern of finally ending college; maybe for some, on time and some including myself a little bit delayed.

Perhaps it's also doing well since in some classes, you're on a 50-50 percent chance of making it or otherwise.

Here's to those who are finishing this year, good luck to us all.

I just fervently hope personally speaking, that these senseless series of political events do not delay anything too much. It is just utterrly reidiculous.

Someone oust our incompetent president soon. Things are just going too insane as it is already..

Some rampant virus found itself infecting not only my main hard drive, but my back-up slave one too..

Goodbye 8 gig music file collection, pics of various barkadas, all my bookmarks which took me ages to collect, documents for school amounting to two years, not to mention trailers and videos i've left my computer days on to finish downloading.

Crap.

I mean damn, that some whacked shit right there.

sigh...

Rebuild... hay.

Of all things I hate in the world in relationships(even just plain friendship) is just being totally unreasonable and vague.

Or plus the mere fact that people can be so goddamn shallow and passive despite how much apparent the uncomfortableness they have in social functions.

It just disgusts me to the highest degree.

---

I said my piece but I know it really is just that, a piece.

It's over.... finally....

There's really no greater bliss and contentment when school ends...

And at long last, I was able to bond with a few people from my block who I hardly know.

It involved driving to Angono, Rizal to a blockmate's house, drinking, and extreme truth or dares...

A fitting end to a year, a great start to get to know more people.

The only regret for the year probably was I didn't make an extra effort to get to actually know them earlier on. Missed a lot of chances to...

Ah well, easilly remedied by last night's outing. hehe

---

3 weeks of summer... hay....

Guess I better make the most out of it.

Got it from pao... hehe thanks man.

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All I can say is.. hell yeah. Right on the money..

Now to remove the pain from them, and i'm clear.

There's really nothing more aggravating than going on and on with uncertainty and assumption.

---

"Tired of trying,
Tired of lying,
the only thing I understand is what I feel..."

First off, I didn't have net connection so I couldn't greeet some people a happy birthday. Sorry to jack, miko and baqi. Man and I wanted to go to tres this year since you included me in the friend's filter entry, and I couldn't get in touch with either coz no one replies back.

I don't know whether to feel extremely grateful of this year or at the other end extremely sad.

A lot has happened. Lost connections with old friends, met new ones yet again.

I'm too distracted by the noise around me to remember all the possible events that happened to me this past year, so I'll just summarize that all of them happened for a reason. Cliche I know, but so are a lot of things in life.

---

Maybe a new start is all I need to get things into perspective.

...

.....fuck. I'm old.

---

More substantial entry as soon as I get my net back...

Ah finally.

I can relax.

Nothing beats knowing you can have a goodnight's sleep without worrying about the next day.

Bumming is good.

---

Countdown to a new decade: 2 days.

Lapit na.

I thought this day would be a really boring and dull holiday. It turned out pretty well actually. I watched Finding Nemo again with a new friend.

That was one of the cartoon movies I can say I truly enjoyed watching and isn't just for kids. Somehow deep down I want my father to watch it. Maybe it'll show him what it is to not be so serious all the time.

---

( New people )

---

Just like this really calming song, I still got many people to meet and new places to go. This is no time to feel melodramatic.

It's great. Just sitting there on my front porch with two of the round lights staring at the scene. It has to some degree such a calming effect.

With the house more of a yellowish exterior, it seems much brighter now than in the past. It makes sitting there a little bit relaxed than before.

---

( A Spontaneous Wednesday Night )

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Now doesn't this situation look familiar? hmm...And I'm back here. Oh well, I guess no matter how much I say I'm bitter, there will always be a part of me wanting.

Here we go. Let's hope I don't fall too hard this time. Hopefully, this time my senses tell me it's right as well.

I feel like such a loser. It's my choice though this time for a start. I'm getting sick of going home exhausted and drained of energy anyway. Time for a break I suppose.

Yet though, these times when im in my room can drive me insane. My thoughts alone are enough to bring me reeling in self-pity. Pathetic one may think, but you try going through what I had to face. We'll see how you handle it.

I can't go to the park again. Sick of staying alone on that damn swing alone.

---

I've had enough of this. It all comes back. And there's no stopping it, try as I might...

My mind is my own strenth and my own weakness. Double-edged ang pota.

Pwede!

After all the hurt,

after all the aggravation,

and after all the coping...

It just all comes rushing back like a hurricane. The hurricane of emptiness, and sadness and numbness. And what it took was another person.

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I saw her sister.. her own sister, by the entrance of the church at the end.

I thought she'd be there as well.

Half of me wanted to see her, the other wanted to disappear. I chose the latter.

...

Without further stopping, my mind went back to the start of June. Back to my ordeal...

the return of my frustration.

---

It hurts. And what's sad is I can't stop it so easily yet again for now.

Damn it.

haha, pangit ng subject.

Anyway, current music's tribute to the guy since he's here anyway.

---

I'm done with my history which primarily consisted of wrapping words around to make a decent reaction paper. In other words, pure bullshit. whee... jk.

Great now there's the other issue of French orals. 20% of my freaking grade. crap...

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On one note, the days are pasing by idly. Nothing truly exciting happening, nothing too depressing either. Relatively, I'm drifting.

And as one good friend knows who I recently talked to when he visited Ateneo, sometimes, it's really hard to go on when all you deal is with people who don't know what they want. *smiles a little*

Oh well. Still have to keep living nontheless.

Lots of places I haven't been to in quite awhile that are just nearby.

Maybe it's because of the particular memories that/those place/s brought.

( My own solitude )

It's going to be alright. I just have to keep on telling myself that.

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Yet although, sometimes it's a relief to not feel anything, in the sense that I don't care too much. It's better this way for now.

Like I said in my earlier post, It's great to have friends who understand.

Thanks for the company pao, lizelle, roms, and moki.

It's always best to be in the company of trusted people.

---

School tomorrow. Here we go.

Well this day was yet another one devoted to home. All I did literally was play a PC game. I finished it too.. really sad. haha Ah well, I have to cut back on spending anyway since I'll need all the money I need where I'm going.

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It's funny, the rain really soothes me. I always used to hate the rain since more than often it brings back those really melancholic and depressing memories. But just sitting on my couch and listening to the drumming of the rain on the roof, makes me want to be with....

sigh.. and here it is.

haha, oh well.. 2 more weeks till I can settle things. I might as well enjoy for now.

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And right now, here I am at 10:47 in the evening shifting from filling my suitcase with clothes and other things. I'm probably half done only. The visas of my two brothers are finally here and we're leaving tomorrow night for California.

For those who are querying, I'll be back on the 14th of June.

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I'll miss all of you. Take care..

There always LJ to keep me company. haha...

This post was supposed to be for Sunday, but I got lazy.

I guess I can say that I will start to appreciate my parents more often now. Going to Mikey's told me that much. I do really envy you man... hehe

Let me just say that casual and free-flowing converation is always the best. I agree with dylan. It beats any other kind of gimik.

It felt really good during those few late/early hours of the night/morning to be among people who you can certainly trust and respect. I haven't had that kind of conversation in ages.

It was refreshing honestly.

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Guess what? I'm not leaving till Thursday or Friday due to unforeseen circumstances involving DSWD and my brothers' really insanely tardy arrival of visas.

bwisit...

I'm still here in the Philippines..

My family's flight was postphoned till May 16th or 23rd because my younger brother's visa hasn't been finished processing yet. I'm still wanting to go out, so please just text me or something. thanks...

Hmm... I wonder if i can just see random people by driving to their homes? Gastos sobra... ahhhh...

hay... Oh well.. Keep in touch.

Later.